Tag Archives: OA Tools

3 OA ways to avoid the big blow-up

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Here’s a classic couples argument.

You’re in the car with your spouse. You realize that you got off at the wrong exit and you mention it. Your spouse asks, “Did you look at a map before you left?” You spit back that you don’t need a front seat driver, and why didn’t they speak up earlier?

Or maybe it’s an argument with a coworker about why a project went pear-shaped. Or with a sibling about what to do about Mom and Dad’s estate. Or, or, or….

There’s millions of opportunities each day for a spat or even a big blow-up with loved ones, colleagues, and, even, complete strangers. So how do we use OA principles to lead with kindness instead of anger? Here’s three ways.

1. Pray!

OK, that’s pretty obvious. OA is a spiritual program for people who haven’t done much spiritual business in their lives. We need guidance in difficult situations, so prayer should probably be our number one move when we need stillness of tongue or pen/keyboard/device. In fact, Step 10 suggests we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action. ***SPOILER: An emotional fireworks display doesn’t promote love and kindness.*** “God, please help me” is enough. We don’t need to go into a lengthy monologue with our HP, especially in the heat of an emotional moment.

2. Use OA’s tools

Program literature tells us that the OA Tools exist to support living and working the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. In our driving example, it can be hard to break away from an argument in the cabin of a moving vehicle. But in many instances, we may be arguing over the phone, over email or text, or in an online discussion thread. In each of these instances, we have opportunities to put down the conversation (“Let me call you back” or to literally step away from a computer or device). That’s when we pick up the Tools. If we need to deescalate immediately, the Tool of Telephone (or text) probably works best. If we have some time, the Tool of Meetings or Service can help shift our minds onto others and away from the source of our conflict. That pause from the fight is often enough to help us regain perspective.

3. Ask ourselves what our intentions are

Truth-telling is hard, but often super rewarding, especially in a situation like this. Is fear driving our side of the argument? Does pride demand we avoid losing face? Is there something we badly want or need that the other person is getting in the way of? Are we just trying to control our little world or avoid losing control of it to the other person? We often find once we ask these questions that we lose to the urge to counter or to even reply because we recognize the self-centeredness rearing up in our mind.

Let’s go back to the navigational argument we started with and apply each of these 3 techniques.

1. Pray!

As the driver, we’ve stated that we goofed up. Even if our spouse is being as snarky as can be in their response, why should we take the bait? We can ask God to remove our anger and to show us how we can be helpful to our spouse. Maybe there’s something going on inside them that needs to come out but hasn’t yet found its way. At the very least, the rest of the car ride needn’t be spent on razor’s edge.

2. Use OA’s Tools

If we are the non-driving spouse, instead of asking about the map, we might pull out our phone and text a program friend about our frustration. If we happen to have a For Today in the car, we might grab it and open to a favorite passage. Even as the driver, we might choose to remember a favorite passage such as the Acceptance Page. In situations such as  online interactions, we have time to step away and do whatever is necessary to restore us to civility.

3. Ask ourselves what our intentions are

The questions we provided above, and others, lead us back to our selfish instincts. All humans have them! Ours just happen to be more intense as a symptom of our affliction. Here’s the amazing part, though. Often when we stop the flow of the angry conversation and talk about our intentions openly and honestly, we get to the most intimate, productive, and/or satisfying results. We might have been assuming that our spouse was responding in sarcasm, when, in fact, their response might have been a genuine question because they thought we’d read a map before leaving! If we’re afraid of losing face, and we respond by describing how we are afraid of letting them down or looking weak to them, we might end up learning that we needn’t ever have that fear again because their love isn’t conditional. The possibilities are many here, but when we dig a little deeper and reply with the truth about ourselves, we open new opportunities for love, kindness, and tolerance, not to mention service to others.

OA is a flexible program that really works in rough going. In a car, in the boss’ office, at the family dinner table, at a party, at a funeral, while buying a car or a house, during an audit, a court case, or dental visit. It works when we work it.

 

The 12 threats of Christmas…and what to do about them

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On the Sunday before Christmas, many of us are in a hurry. Last minute gift buying. Parties. And of course football. In the week to come we food addicts will face a number of potential threats to our abstinence. Even if we are not religious, many of these threats and triggers will be present for us:

  1. Celebratory meals: Christmas dinner, out with friends, whatever, especially ones with specialty items we used to look forward to all year.
  2. Shopping: We don’t know what to get our assistant, so we go to the local chocolatier or liquor store to get something genial that everyone likes…but that we like too much.
  3. Parties: Office parties, open houses thrown by friends, and our own shindigs have one thing in common. There’s always a ton of food and booze, and it’s usually a prime grazing opportunity.
  4. Goodies brought in by coworkers, vendors, clients, etc: The print vendor sends their annual basket of sweets and carbs, or maybe it’s a medical supplier, or, if you teach, it’s parents. If you work in an office, or your spouse does, you’ll likely be faced with open boxes of delectables that you really want to eat but really really don’t want to eat.
  5. Stocking stuffers: Your kids want to share a chocolate Santa or two with you. Or, gee, you’re giving them your favorite candy. And, that advent calendar with the pop-out chocolates needs attending to….
  6. Holiday food and beverage gifts: Uncle Jedediah gave you another bottle of Baileys? Auntie Shinnelle signed you up for the cake-of-the-month club? At least they mean well.
  7. Family: Nothing triggers us like family. They know how to push our buttons because they put the buttons there in the first place.
  8. Old eating/drinking buddies: Seeing old school pals over the holiday? And being around them reminds you of all the times you went to the diner or the bar in your hometown?
  9. Memories of holidays when we ate compulsively: Why limit ourselves to feeling threatened by this year’s holiday when we can hammer ourselves with guilt over all the other holidays where we ate without our permission.
  10. Cooking: Whether we’re trigger by the pressure of getting a meal out on time, of a million people in the kitchen with us, or we just find ourselves suddenly drawn to the beaters of a mixer, a spoon laden with stuff, or a piece of what we’re cooking that no one will ever miss.
  11. Smells: You’re at the mall shopping and you walk within 100 feet of some cart roasting this holiday treat or that. These smells can be powerful triggers. We can almost taste them.
  12. Feelings: Of any sort, but especially ones that lead toward self-pity.

These and many other people, places, and things may call to us this coming week. What do we do about it? For one, we don’t ignore those thoughts or dismiss them. They are a danger to us. We must acknowledge them and deal with them appropriately. In the midst of all the hoohah, what do we do?

Why, we use the Steps and Tools of OA, of course!

If we have established a relationship with a Higher Power, we find a way to quickly remove ourselves from the triggering situation. Maybe feigning a pee break? We use that time to reach out to our Higher Power and ask that he/she/it/they relieve us of the obsession and give us the willingness and strength to stay away from the food. If we feel fear, we can use the fear prayer in the Big Book:

God, please remove my fear and direct my attention to what You would have me be.

If we are still new in OA and haven’t yet made spiritual contact with our Higher Power, then we can use OA’s tools. Most convenient is the telephone. We can call or text an OA pal to bring the power of the fellowship to our situation. We can excuse ourselves and quickly read a piece of OA literature we’ve brought with us just for this reason. If a meeting is available to us, online or in person, perhaps we can attend it. We can use any of the Tools we want, but we must them if they are to work for us.

But what might be most important to us in the next week is simply having a plan. If we just blithely hope for the best, we are liable to be caught off guard and highly susceptible to the first bite. So we think through what tough situations are likely to occur, and we talk to our sponsor to make a plan for dealing with them. Don’t have a sponsor? Talk to an OA friend about it. But do get a sponsor!

No matter what, however, we can take a good piece of advice from the Big Book. Wherever we go or do in the next week, we can try to bring a good time to those around us instead of sitting hangdog wishing we could chow with impunity. Because we can’t, so we might as well bring some of the joy, love, and peace that the holiday season is supposed to be about.